Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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