Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
