I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
