I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
