I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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