i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
