Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
