I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
