i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize