God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize