True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
