sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
