you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
