he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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