I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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