walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
