last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I lost the right to judge tonight
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
