You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
