I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
