I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
