you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
