I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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