just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
