I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
