Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
