2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
