She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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