I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
