i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
