Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
