So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
