why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
