she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My feet surprised me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
