I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
