Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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