I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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