JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
