I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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