Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
