I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
