Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
