Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
