I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
