Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
