dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
