Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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