Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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