Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize