Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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