True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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