so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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