I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
