sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
