imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
