Have you finally orgasmed yet?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
