im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just had sex bonerless
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
