Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize