So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
