Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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