sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My vagina is officially offended.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
