he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
