goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
