My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
