I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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