we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he thought i was a dude.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize