i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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