Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
