I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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