You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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