I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I CAN MOONWALK!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
