the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize