Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
